Not that the previous draft was unpalatable, but It feels much more palatable a start than immediately going into the outdoor camp notebook and the culture classification. Just the taste is really nice rather than full start. I’m curious to see how it evolves. Are any major plot points changing, or mainly prose a new interweaving of the same elements?
A few areas where I had some friction/questions as a reader:
- It doesn’t feel super believable that she’s been tracking him closely and seems to know him so well, yet her psychological profile of him is upset so quickly in their interaction.
- What makes Lenny ask the girl why she’s interested in the boy, given that he’s already tracking him, too?
- Doesn’t Dante have a reaction to Lenny entering and taking the girl’s attention? If he’s already gone, spatially/chronologically that could be more clear.
The writing in 2nd person was trippy, at first I thought it would be distracting, but it actually flowed nicely, though it does leave me a little confused about what I'm reading. It's a communication from the unborn thing to dante-baruch? (WHAT A WACKY NAME!)
I love the memeticmaps.xyz easter egg, definitely would be cool if it actually existed! Reminds me of Peter Limberg's work and also Xiq & Defender et. al's current nooscope work.
Damn, yeah, this has a lot of suspense. Multiple points where I didn't expect what happened. I can feel the intensity in my body and I love it and want to read more!
Not that the previous draft was unpalatable, but It feels much more palatable a start than immediately going into the outdoor camp notebook and the culture classification. Just the taste is really nice rather than full start. I’m curious to see how it evolves. Are any major plot points changing, or mainly prose a new interweaving of the same elements?
Super intriguing and I'm excited to read more!
A few areas where I had some friction/questions as a reader:
- It doesn’t feel super believable that she’s been tracking him closely and seems to know him so well, yet her psychological profile of him is upset so quickly in their interaction.
- What makes Lenny ask the girl why she’s interested in the boy, given that he’s already tracking him, too?
- Doesn’t Dante have a reaction to Lenny entering and taking the girl’s attention? If he’s already gone, spatially/chronologically that could be more clear.
The writing in 2nd person was trippy, at first I thought it would be distracting, but it actually flowed nicely, though it does leave me a little confused about what I'm reading. It's a communication from the unborn thing to dante-baruch? (WHAT A WACKY NAME!)
I want to read the whole thing in a hard copy.
Three different versions of the final line that I played with – SPOILERS:
1. And in the blazing, I will be born. And you, father, will die. (chosen)
2. And in the blazing, I will be born for the first time. And you, father, will be born anew.
3. And in the blazing, I will be born. And you, father, will be unborn.
Wow. I loved the last sentences. Who is this "I" who will be born? Such an intriguing setup.
Woah, this is really good - make this is into a book so someone can make this into a movie.
I recently talked about what I call the first sentence test. (https://youtube.com/watch?v=8ndqmjhzdkc)
"For now, you are Dante Baruch-Williams." passes!
I love the memeticmaps.xyz easter egg, definitely would be cool if it actually existed! Reminds me of Peter Limberg's work and also Xiq & Defender et. al's current nooscope work.
Damn, yeah, this has a lot of suspense. Multiple points where I didn't expect what happened. I can feel the intensity in my body and I love it and want to read more!