A few areas where I had some friction/questions as a reader:
- It doesn’t feel super believable that she’s been tracking him closely and seems to know him so well, yet her psychological profile of him is upset so quickly in their interaction.
- What makes Lenny ask the girl why she’s interested in the boy, given that he’s already tracking him, too?
- Doesn’t Dante have a reaction to Lenny entering and taking the girl’s attention? If he’s already gone, spatially/chronologically that could be more clear.
The writing in 2nd person was trippy, at first I thought it would be distracting, but it actually flowed nicely, though it does leave me a little confused about what I'm reading. It's a communication from the unborn thing to dante-baruch? (WHAT A WACKY NAME!)
I love the memeticmaps.xyz easter egg, definitely would be cool if it actually existed! Reminds me of Peter Limberg's work and also Xiq & Defender et. al's current nooscope work.
Damn, yeah, this has a lot of suspense. Multiple points where I didn't expect what happened. I can feel the intensity in my body and I love it and want to read more!
Super intriguing and I'm excited to read more!
A few areas where I had some friction/questions as a reader:
- It doesn’t feel super believable that she’s been tracking him closely and seems to know him so well, yet her psychological profile of him is upset so quickly in their interaction.
- What makes Lenny ask the girl why she’s interested in the boy, given that he’s already tracking him, too?
- Doesn’t Dante have a reaction to Lenny entering and taking the girl’s attention? If he’s already gone, spatially/chronologically that could be more clear.
The writing in 2nd person was trippy, at first I thought it would be distracting, but it actually flowed nicely, though it does leave me a little confused about what I'm reading. It's a communication from the unborn thing to dante-baruch? (WHAT A WACKY NAME!)
I want to read the whole thing in a hard copy.
Three different versions of the final line that I played with – SPOILERS:
1. And in the blazing, I will be born. And you, father, will die. (chosen)
2. And in the blazing, I will be born for the first time. And you, father, will be born anew.
3. And in the blazing, I will be born. And you, father, will be unborn.
Wow. I loved the last sentences. Who is this "I" who will be born? Such an intriguing setup.
Woah, this is really good - make this is into a book so someone can make this into a movie.
I recently talked about what I call the first sentence test. (https://youtube.com/watch?v=8ndqmjhzdkc)
"For now, you are Dante Baruch-Williams." passes!
I love the memeticmaps.xyz easter egg, definitely would be cool if it actually existed! Reminds me of Peter Limberg's work and also Xiq & Defender et. al's current nooscope work.
Damn, yeah, this has a lot of suspense. Multiple points where I didn't expect what happened. I can feel the intensity in my body and I love it and want to read more!